A baby shower. Every first time
mother dreams of a lovely time surrounded by family and friends to celebrate
the new life growing inside of her. My hopes of having one were all but dashed
due to the fact I was 600 miles from home and new to the area with just a few
work friends. That is until my mother in law announced she would be giving me
one. Now I need to tell you a bit about my (now ex) mother in law. She was a
charming combination of the manipulative and passive-aggressive Marie Barone
(from Everybody Loves Raymond), and the über religious annoyingly airy voiced
Amy’s mom (also from Everybody Loves Raymond). Oh, and she was totally nuts.
She was a housewife and had nothing to occupy her mind but whatever her current
“project” was. This could only serve in my favor, right? How can someone really
mess up a baby shower?
I was kind of excited at the
thought of a baby shower actually happening! Although, she decided it would be
at her house (and hour and a half away from where I and my friends lived), and
that she would be inviting HER friends from church and her family. None of
which I knew. I was ALLOWED to bring 3 of my friends along however, which
turned out to be my saving grace. And also my only witnesses to prove that this
is really how it all went down.
I let
my ex mother in law, let's call her Peggy, know that the nursery theme was animals. No type in
particular, just animals. I thought this
would make it easy! Circus animals! Farm animals! Jungle animals! Everything
was game! I also said to please be sure to send the invites 2 weeks ahead so
people had time to plan. So, when I received an invite in the mail 3 days
before the shower I was surprised. I figured she just wanted me to have one for
posterity and sent it as an afterthought. She hadn’t. She sent ALL the invites
3 days before the shower. I was devastated! How would people be able to come
with no little notice? That was until I opened it. Then I felt a horror beyond
that I had ever experienced. Inside, was it a cute animal invite (which could
be found aplenty at any Walmart, Dollar General, Target…basically ANYWHERE)? Was
it a generic baby shower invite? Was it simply a blank general card that you
fill in? No. Inside was a bowling birthday party invite. Complete with bowling
ball image. Seriously.
My then husband was a bowling
center manager. I did not bowl. I did not enjoy bowling. I never once mentioned
bowling as a hobby or interest. But, apparently, since my husband was employed
by a bowling company, she felt it would be appropriate to have the invitation
be bowling themed. And this, my friends,
is how one can mess up a baby shower. But wait! It gets worse.
Aside
from the fact that the invites were only sent to people I didn’t know and that
they were sent 3 days before the event, they were now also in a bowling party
invite form. I feared people would think it WAS a bowling party. My ex husband
assured me that Peggy would not make the whole shower a bowling theme. It must
just be what she thought would be cute since he worked at a bowling alley. I
believed him. And then I called her. She assured me that everyone would know it
was a baby shower. I mean, it said baby shower on it! Handwritten. In small
print. On the bottom right. She went on to ask what types of fruits and veggies
I liked, as well as cake. I let her know I liked bananas, blueberries, apples,
strawberries, tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, etc. And that I really liked
chocolate cake with chocolate icing these days.
I hung up defeated, but with the hope that at least the worst was behind
us, and that there was at least good food to be had.
The day
of the party I picked up my friends and we drove the 1.5 hours across the state
to the event. We walked into the house to find Peggy in the kitchen, and a few
chairs next to the couch with the TV on. And one guest. A distant cousin and
her OBNOXIOUS four year old son, who repeatedly
tried to punch me in the stomach, with no reprimand from his mother. There was
no special seat for me, so I found one by the couch and hunkered down with my
pals to await the impending disaster. As we sat we saw the table. When this
lady commits to a theme, she REALLY commits. There were bowling pins. And a
bowling tablecloth. And the plates were in the shape of bowling shirts. The trifecta of tackiness. A turkey, if you
will, to use bowling jargon. And then the food. On the counter were a bowl of
cherry tomatoes and 6 full bananas. Quite the spread. And how appropriate for a
shower. No dip for the tomatoes, mind you. Simply a bowl of tomatoes.
We
waited an hour. No one came. Just us,
Peggy, and crazy backwoods cousin and her demon spawn. Peggy felt this would be
a good time for a game. She had us silently go on a hunt for baby items hidden
through the house and count how many. Random diapers, a few latex nipples (no
bottles), and a pacifier holder (no pacifier) were hidden. Then we shared our
guesses about how many items were hidden. My friend guessed correctly. But
there was no prize. Just a “good job!” and a quick segue to the cake. Games
were done. Lucky me got to keep the clearance items she got from the local
grocery store. Score. Peggy brought out the cake. Carrot cake, of course. Well,
at least it wasn’t a bowling ball shape.
Onto presents. Some people had sent some along since they
would not be in attendance. There were used, stained baby clothes. A few more
latex nipples (still no bottles). A discontinued car seat. And a boppy and new
outfits (from my friends of course). With things drawing to an end, Peggy said
she had a surprise for me in the baby’s room (yes, she had a room dedicated for
the baby, who I would never, ever, leave alone with her and her insanity). She
had made a lamp. And in true leg lamp (a la A Christmas Story) fashion, there
stood, in all its glory before us, a lamp. Made from a bowling pin. She had to hold
the lampshade on, since it wouldn’t stay on without her support. And then there
was the crib. The iron, lead painted crib from her grandparents. On each rail
was a plastic dollar store bowling pin, sliced down the back to be able to
slide over the pole. How safe? Who would not want 10 razor sharp plastic
bowling pins within your infants reach?
Finally,
we were released from our bowling prison. But not without a new, insane story
to be able to pass down through the generations ;). . How can someone mess up a baby shower?
Peggy can give lessons. (Side note: My
awesome friends ended up giving me the best, most wonderful, fantastic and
chocolate cake filled baby shower ever a few weeks later, and I can now totally
laugh at the whole debacle.)